What does death without despair look like?

Chris Pitt was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia in summer 2008.  After a bone-marrow transplant and brief remission period, Chris was told in early 2010 that he had only a few weeks to live.  He died on April 27th, aged 19.

Paul Shepherd, one of the Platt Students team, met up regularly with Chris during his illness to study the Bible.  Five days before Chris’s death, they recorded this interview together.

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Paul asked Chris:

• How was your relationship with God before you were diagnosed with leukaemia and how did things change after the initial diagnosis, and again with the terminal diagnosis?
• What is it that gives you the most hope?
• Have you ever been tempted to blame God for your situation?
• How does it feel knowing that God’s used your suffering as an example of how to suffer well?
• What’s the number one thing that God has taught you?
• How have people responded to the hope that you have in your situation?
• What do you want the legacy of your life to be?
• What do you want people who come to your funeral to go away thinking?
• What’s your favourite Bible verse and why, and has it changed since you got your diagnosis?

Transcript of the Interview

How was your relationship with God before you were told you had leukaemia?

That’s quite a difficult question.  I’m always very reluctant to assess my own relationship with God.  Obviously, it wasn’t perfect –– no-one’s is –– but it was actually probably on the better side of things relative to the rest of my life.  A good friend of mine had just had to leave home because he’d converted to Christianity [from Islam], so that was all quite exciting, for want of a better term, and that sort of boosted my relationship with God.

More to the point, how did it change after the initial diagnosis?

It was weird after the initial diagnosis because I’ve grown up in a Christian home and I’ve always been well-taught, so to speak (whatever that means, exactly), so it was very easy for me to know what I was expected to say in that kind of situation about the sovereignty of God and trusting God.  And I did, so it was good for me to finally have to stop and rely on God and not do anything myself.

University was taken away from me; my health; my freedom; my ability to drive … I was in hospital and all those things were taken away so I did have to rely on God.

But at the same time, it was quite difficult because I would wonder sometimes – you know, I’m sat here saying all these things about trusting in God … am I just saying them or do I hold those views, opinions and that trust deep down in my heart?

And that was quite hard to tell, initially.

Did you despair?

No, I didn’t despair.

I can honestly say that despair wasn’t something that was ever an issue for me.  God was very gracious in that respect.  I think it was a combination of the fact that … well, a combination of a few things I think.  Firstly, when I was initially diagnosed, everyone expected cure, so despair is not really too much on the cards.  And while I say that I struggled to know how deep my trust for God was, it was certainly there to a point.

So, no I didn’t despair, and I had a lot of great friends from church and things like that who were around to support me which definitely helps stop despair.

On that same track: when you got your terminal diagnosis, did that change your relationship with God?  Were you always hoping for a cure, and when you got that terminal diagnosis…?

Yeah, when I got that terminal diagnosis, I was just sort of plodding along.  Everything seemed to have gone extremely well, I was planning to go to medical school, I had all sorts of plans for the future about Bible college and mission work or working in ministry … things that were all in and of themselves good plans and then, when I got that news, barring miraculous intervention from God – which I do believe happens today – I wasn’t looking at any of that.  And, rather than the plans that I had for a life that would stretch eighty years, I was looking at a quarter of that.

Did you despair then at all?

No, again, I can honestly say that I didn’t.

Again, great friends around me, great people at church.  But then, even less so because it was almost like: well, here’s a lot of good reason to despair, humanly speaking, so it’s either that or trust God … trust God seems like the sensible option!  So there was almost less despair, and again God was very gracious.

And actually, that’s been a brilliant thing because I mentioned before that I was unsure that that it’s what I believed deep down in my heart.  But if you’re terrified of dying, you cannot put on an act of being bubbly and happy and not terrified of dying.  That’s just impossible.  Anyone can say what they like about the sovereignty of God at certain times.  You can put that on.  But you cannot put on an attitude that comes naturally. So that was a great assurance for me from God, which I’m very grateful for.  So that was good.

And if I can just clarify there: when I say that I don’t despair … I don’t think that it’s right for people to be happy about dying.  I don’t think that death is in any way a good thing, biblically or otherwise.  So it’s not a question of being happy about death.  It’s more a question of not despairing about dying.

What do you think gives you the most hope?

The life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

His life, because he lived a perfect life that I couldn’t live, so that by faith that can be counted as mine in God’s sight, so that when I lie here, I don’t have a list of ten things that I’m not sure that I’ve done or I definitely need to do in order to gain my own salvation, because it’s been done for me in the life of Jesus.  He’s lived what I need to live.

And he died on the cross where he took my sins upon himself.  The wrath of God that was justly mine, upon himself.  And he bore my sin there so I don’t have to do that.  So I don’t need to fear God as I die, because the punishment for my sin has been dealt with by Christ as well.

And then he rose again, which means he’s conquered death.  He was who he said he was.  He is the Son of God.  And I will rise again with him and death will not hold me, because I am in Christ.

So I can definitely say that that is the thing that provides me with the most hope.

That’s awesome.  Knowing and trusting in God’s sovereignty over all things, have you ever been tempted to blame God for your condition?

No, I can’t say I have.  It’s difficult.  I think Christians are sometimes not very honest about how they really feel, so I have been in positions where I’ve been like, ‘I don’t really know why this is happening to me, God.’  It’s difficult, and you do feel similar feelings to writers in the Old Testament who asked questions like, ‘Well, why am I suffering when so-and-so, Joe Bloggs down the road who pays no attention to God, is prospering?’  And that’s a very real question and I think we can be honest about that.

But at the same time, if you blame God, I just think that comes from a lack of teaching, as arrogant as that probably sounds at this point.  Because all good things that ever happen, from taking in a breath to having a drink, they come from God.  That’s biblical.  And we don’t deserve any of that.

So, as harsh as this sounds – and it certainly wouldn’t be the first thing I said to someone who had just been diagnosed with leukaemia – but the fact that I’ve gone nineteen years, or eighteen years, without leukaemia … that’s remarkable, not the fact that I got it.

Because I deserve it.  I’ve always deserved it.  My body should be riddled with every cancer, really, and it’s because of the mercy of God that it’s not.

So I think blaming God displays a lack of understanding of sin, and a lack of understanding of who God is as well.  Like he says in Isaiah, his ways are higher than my ways, and for me to blame him is essentially to claim to understand him as well.  And I don’t.  So, no.

How does it feel knowing that God has used your suffering as an example of how to suffer well?

Well, it’s hugely humbling, really.  I hope he has.  I hope that I have suffered well.  It’s a challenge in many ways; I don’t think I can just sit here and assume that I am necessarily suffering well.  So I want to suffer in a way that can be an example, that God can use.  It’s very humbling to think that God would do that with me.  And it’s quite exciting to know that, just because I find myself in this pretty horrible position, God doesn’t and won’t stop using me for his kingdom, if that’s what I’m willing to allow him to do and that’s what he’s pleased to do.  And that’s very exciting, really.

What do you think is the number one thing that God’s taught you throughout your illness?

I don’t think there’s one thing, there are loads!  Hospital’s a fairly humbling experience.  There’s an awful lot of talk about bowel movements and urine output and things like this, so dignity isn’t necessarily something you can hold on to for very long, which is quite humbling, which I think is a good thing.

I certainly think God has taught me lessons in humility, definitely lessons that I needed to learn, and I hope I will continue to learn for however long I have left.  And I think God’s taught me an awful lot about how gracious he really is in this time.  I’ve seen a lot of blessings in my life, which sounds very, very trite at this time, really.  But I can honestly say that it is true and that I’ve seen an incredible amount of blessings for me and my family, opportunities to share the gospel that wouldn’t have otherwise arisen and things like that.

It’s just been amazing, really, to see in action how leukaemia itself is a very bad thing but God has used it for a lot of good things and turned it around.  And it’s incredible to think that we worship a God who can do that.  He’s definitely bigger than leukaemia, and that’s very exciting!

What opportunities do you think God has given you since you’ve had leukaemia?

Opportunities in what respect?

OK, no I’ll change the question!  How have people responded to your hope that you have in your situation?  How do people react to the fact that you are happy about where you are going?

That’s quite a difficult question for me to answer because no-one’s going to come into my room at the moment and start questioning or denying what I say I believe.  But from what I gather from the outside world … I think it’s challenged some people, I think it’s encouraged others, I think it’s fired some up, and there are lots of clichéd, catch-phrasey Christian words and phrases like that but I really hope that that’s what it’s done for a number of people.

I really hope some people have seen the situation and sort of thought, ‘I’m not sure I would have that hope,’ and hopefully they will come to a position where they would have it through that.  And others have thought, ‘well, I would have that hope, so how exciting!’  And they’ve been sort of fired-up for Jesus.  So I’d hope that that was how people have reacted to the hope that I have.

What do you want the legacy of your life to be?

Well, it’s not looking like a winning FA Cup goal at Wembley is on the cards!  So I think I’d just like to be remembered as someone that lived and died well for Jesus in a manner which glorified him, I think is how I’d like to be remembered.

So when my friends maybe think about me in forty years time, it will be in the context of, ‘by God’s grace, Chris did that well’.  I’d really like that, I think.

What do you want people coming to your funeral to go away thinking?

It depends who they are.  If they’re a Christian, I’d like them to come away thinking that God is great –– not that the preacher was very good, or the readings were nice, or the songs were good, although I hope all those things will be true –– but that God is great.  And if they’re not a Christian, I’d like them to come away either thinking that God is great as well, or that maybe God is great so I’d like to look into this more.  I think that would be what I wanted from my funeral.

Now a few slightly lighter questions… what’s your favourite Bible verse and why?

I have many…

And has it changed since you got your diagnosis?

Yes, it has changed since I got my diagnosis, because this particular Bible verse sort of sums up where I’m at.  There are many fantastic Bible verses, though, which I particularly I have liked.  I think I have two little passages.

So, in 2 Corinthians 4, eight and nine –– I’m quoting from memory and I’m going to get it wrong now, which is quite embarrassing –– but Paul talked about how we are perplexed but not driven to despair, struck down but not destroyed, et cetera, et cetera.  He basically talks about all the problems going on in his life, like confusion and from affliction and things like this, but how none of them are ultimate because of God.  And that’s been very real to me recently.

And an Old Testament passage which was particularly relevant to me when I was first diagnosed is Daniel 3, I think it’s about verse 16 that it starts.  Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are about to be thrown into the fiery furnace, and they turn to King Nebuchudnezzar and they say, ‘Our God can deliver us from your hand and your fiery furnace, O King, but even if he does not, we will still believe in him.’

And that’s just like wow for me, because it’s like, my God can deliver me from leukaemia, but that should not be and isn’t my test-case for whether or not I continue to have faith in him.  So even if he does not, I will still trust in him.  So, I think those two passages, really.